


Survive Now, Cry Later

by yoongalaxii



Series: Don't Turn your Back on the World [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Yokai, Angst, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kageyama Tobio is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Yokai!Au, thank, thats a tag I'm so happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 20:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7283506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoongalaxii/pseuds/yoongalaxii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'His skin prickled with anxiety and he ran his hands continuously through his hair, pulling on the ends and biting his lip until it bled'.<br/>Kageyama confronts Hinata about the yokai's well-being, fluff and comfort ensues.</p>
<p>Must read 'Don't Turn your Back on the World' first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survive Now, Cry Later

**Author's Note:**

> "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them"  
> -Unknown
> 
> Hey you guys, I did say I was going to post one-shots set after DTYBOTW didn't I? Here you are! I couldn't find anywhere to put this in the main story but I knew I needed to write it because it's an important part of Hinata's character in this verse.
> 
> **Trigger Warning for implied self-harm! It's not explicit but in case anyone's uncomfortable**

Shouyou sighed, breathing in the night air deep into his lungs. His hands rested on the railing, curling his fingers and hearing the gentle crack on his knuckles. His throat burned from the frozen air and he gulped it in eagerly, savoring the sensation. He lowered his head, letting it rest against the cool metal railing and frowning slightly.

Shouyou raised his head when he heard footsteps from the hallway inside. For a brief second he contemplated hiding but just as quickly shook the idea away, he wasn’t out there anymore, alone. He was here, in Nekoma with his family and friends.

But still, after months of being alone, having to watch his back constantly and sleep with one eye open all the time, Shouyou still wasn’t used to being in a place where he didn’t have to be vigilant about everything.

By the time he’d finished his internal monologue the footsteps had moved outside. Arms weaved their way around his torso and warm breath curled against the back of his neck.

‘What are you doing awake Shou?’ Tobio’s voice was low and rough, evidence of his exhaustion.

‘I could ask you the same thing’ Shouyou mumbled, turning in Tobio’s grasp to wrap his arms around the taller man, burying his face into Tobio’s neck.

‘Stop stop avoiding the question’ Tobio muttered, butting his head gently against Shouyou’s.

‘I can’t sleep here’ Shouyou said quietly, sighing against Tobio’s collarbone.

‘Why?’

‘It’s too quiet’ Shouyou whispered, already feeling his nerves jumping from being still too long.

Tobio said nothing as Shouyou pulled out of his grasp, beginning to pace along the porch. His skin prickled with anxiety and he ran his hands continuously through his hair, pulling on the ends and biting his lip until it bled.

Then warm calloused hands ran gently up his arms, slowing his pace. They pulled his hands from his hair and massaged each finger until his hands were no longer clenched. And gently, oh so gently, they pulled his face upwards until he could see Tobio’s face.

‘Shou, I’m right here’ Tobio whispered, making sure not to constrict his movement too much lest it made things worse.

Shouyou was shaking his head, his eyes shut tight.

Tobio threaded his fingers through Shouyou’s, wincing slightly at the redhead’s strong grip, ‘it’s okay Shou, just breathe’.

‘Am I…’ Shouyou cut himself off, frowning and dropping his gaze.

‘What?’ Tobio asked gently.

‘Am I… broken?’ Shouyou whispered.

Tobio blinked, taken aback, ‘why would you think that?’

‘I just…’ Shouyou sighed, a sharp sound in the silence of the night, ‘I can’t relax, I don’t know how to explain it’.

‘Don’t try to explain it, just tell me what’s going through your mind’ Tobio pulled Shouyou down to rest against the railing.

‘It’s like, I’ve been out there, I’ve been alone for months and I’m used to having to keep my eyes open constantly, waiting for anything or anyone to attack. I’d gotten used ot fighting every day and now…’

‘Now there aren’t any threats’ Tobio said quietly.

‘I’m not waiting for a fight; I’m not expecting someone to attack me in my sleep, I’m just not waiting for anything because there’s nothing to wait for. I can’t relax here I just can’t’.

‘You’re used to being on edge but now there’s no outlet for all that energy, all that adrenaline’.

Shouyou nodded slowly, ‘how do I go back to this? Normality. How do I stop living in survival mode?’

‘I know it’s not the most comforting answer but I don’t think anything except time will help’ Tobio hated telling Shouyou there was nothing he could do, ‘there might be a few things that could help, a routine might be one of them’.

‘A routine?’

‘Something simple like doing a particular thing at the same time every day, presumably something that uses up some of that energy like sparring or going for a run outside. I’m just pulling ideas here’.

‘It’s better than anything I’ve managed to come up with’ Shouyou said, ‘I’ve been back for three weeks and I haven’t thought of anything that useful’.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Tobio sighed, ‘I’m sorry Shouyou’.

Shouyou looked at him, blinking owlishly, ‘for what?’

‘I’ve… I haven’t found the time to talk to you about something…’ Tobio wrung his hands nervously, exhaling sharply.

‘There’s time now’ Shouyou said hesitantly.

‘Right before Oikawa attacked us there was…’ Tobio ran a hand through his hair, ‘we were in the sleeping area and I- your shirt…’

Shouyou felt like ice water had been injected into his veins, ‘oh’.

‘I’ve been trying to… I didn’t want to upset you but I wanted- I need to say something I just-‘ Tobio gestured aimlessly with his hands, his face twisted with concentration, ‘I don’t know how to…’

‘I’m sorry’ Shouyou blurted, ‘I know I’ve disappointed you but I-‘

‘Whoa!’ Tobio held up his hands, shaking his head, ‘okay let’s get one thing straight first, there is no possibility in _any_ universe of me _ever_ being disappointed in you!’

Shouyou let his head hang, keeping his breathing measured.

‘I’m not disappointed, I’m not ashamed, I’m not disgusted, I’m not anything except concerned. I’m not trying to ‘fix’ you I just want to help if I can because I hate to see you hurt yourself like this’ Tobio moved forward until he was kneeling in front of Shouyou, pulling his face up and keeping his hands resting on the redhead’s cheeks, ‘I just want you to be happy’.

Shouyou nodded slowly, he looked like he wanted to say something, knee bouncing up and down and fingers tapping against his pant leg.

‘I’ve been trying’ Shouyou blurted, before Tobio could continue, ‘I really have but I- I’ve been doing it so long I don’t know… I don’t remember what is was like not to’.

Tobio swallowed with difficulty, ‘I… how long have you…?’

‘My parents’ Shouyou answered, grimacing, ‘I stopped for a while, when Suga-san found out but… after Oikawa had me beneath the Citadel I just…’ Shouyou shook his head, pushing back the tightness in his chest, ‘I was… numb… for a while I just couldn’t feel anything. I was on autopilot for months and cut- I… doing that was the only time I felt anything’.

‘What about when you came back?’ Tobio asked.

‘I thought… I thought I deserved it y’know, when I realized how much I’d put you through’ Shouyou laughed humorlessly, ‘gods I was so stupid to think it wouldn’t matter’.

‘What do you mean?’

‘For a while I guess, I had it in my head that everything would just go back to normal when I saw everyone again. Childish I know… but that’s what I thought. When I realized that it was never going to be like it was I guess I just stopped trying…’

‘We…’ Tobio looked appalled, like he hadn’t understood how much their tiptoeing around Shouyou had affected him.

‘It wasn’t your fault!’ Shouyou said hurriedly, ‘nothing was your fault I was just trying to… I don’t even know anymore I just wanted to feel’.

Shouyou gasped when Tobio yanked him forward, wrapping his arms securely around the orange-haired yokai, ‘gods Shou’.

‘I’m sorry-‘

‘Don’t’ Tobio shook his head against Shouyou’s neck, ‘don’t you ever apologize for that’.

‘I’m still sorry’ Shouyou clenching his hands in the back of Tobio’s shirt, hiding his face in the other man’s neck.

‘So am I, for not saying something sooner’ Tobio kissed the top of his head softly, running his fingers through Shouyou’s hair, ‘your hair’s getting long, pretty soon you’ll have a mane’.

Shouyou’s tail whipped up, flicking Tobio in the face, making them both laugh.

‘I’ll get Yachi to cut it soon, she’s always with Kiyoko-san these days’ Shouyou smiled.

Shouyou had learned about Kiyoko’s arrival soon after the final battel with Oikawa, the ex-yokai had arrived at the Nekoma district the week after the Citadel’s destruction. Turned out when Shouyou and Tobio had been at her house before Oikawa had taken them, when Ushijima destroyed her house she hadn’t been killed like they’d thought. She’d dug herself out of the rubble and gone looking for Tobio and the others.

She’d been welcomed with open arms and seemed to get along well with Yachi-san especially. Tanaka had been a little too enthusiastic about another ‘beautiful lady’ joining them at Nekoma but he meant well.

‘Hey Shou?’ Tobio asked quietly, ‘can you promise me something?’

‘Yeah’ Shouyou replied, kissing Tobio’s neck lightly.

‘When you feel like you need to- to hurt yourself, just come talk to me instead okay, it doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of the day or three in the morning, just come talk to me okay? Promise?’

Shouyou chewed on his lip thoughtfully, ‘I’ll try my best, I can promise that’.

‘That’s all I ask’ Tobio said, craning his neck to kiss Shouyou properly.

‘I love you Tobio’ Shouyou whispered, trailing kisses down Tobio’s jaw, his neck, ‘so so much Tobio’.

‘And I love you’ Tobio replied, ‘gods I love you’.

Tobio pulled Shouyou up, lacing their fingers together as they walked inside, back through the corridor. When they arrived back to their room Tobio pulled him down onto the bed, pulling him close and resting his head atop Shouyou’s.

Shouyou wrapped his arms around Tobio’s middle, breathing in the comforting scent of his lover. Shouyou whispered the raven-heads name softly to himself as sleep pulled him down into it’s comforting embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated!  
> Find me at irasass.tumblr.com :)


End file.
